A separation can work to make a marriage stronger if one or both partners are willing to work on themselves.
Of course, there are no guarantees in a marital separation. The separation might be instrumental in saving the marriage, or it may widen the gap between the two spouses and eventually lead to divorce.
A planned separation is always preferable to an impulsive one.
It’s important to remember that numerous spouses leave a marriage and then return.
The pull of the familiar relationship is a strong one, especially the pull of a long-term marriage.
Then there’s the investment of time, energy, and dreams into the relationship that can cause spouses to want to try again to make the marriage work.
Many spouses are lonely and keenly miss the companionship of their mate and having someone to do things with. Special times such as birthdays, anniversary dates, and holidays make the pull of the familiar family unit extra alluring.
People change their minds every day about many things—including whether to leave a marriage or not. Children and other family members may encourage the partners to get back together.
If a marital separation gives a couple time apart to let things settle, to become more cool-headed and clear-headed, to release anger and grudges, and to realize that they miss the other person, then it can be helpful.
If the bickering and disagreements continue with constant phone calls, or one spouse is continually checking on the other one or unwilling to work on the relationship, then it solves nothing.
One thing is almost certain. If some behavior from one or both partners does not change, then the results in the marriage will not change.
Related: If you follow the right new practices, marital separation may actually be the doorway to a better marriage.
The first thing you’ll want to do is to decide if you want your marriage to make it enough to put out sustained effort to save it. If your answer is yes, then you’ll want to develop your vision of how you’d like it to be.
What outcomes do you want in your relationship with your spouse? You don’t want to return to the way your marriage was before the separation, since that’s what led to your present marriage problems.
Do you want to keep and improve your marriage?
If so, what are your marriage goals and priorities? This question can help you to identify and clarify how you want to proceed to get back a better relationship with your spouse than you had before.
It’s fairly easy to state broad goals such as, “I want to have a good marriage” or “I want to do all I can to help get back together.” However, in order to develop a game plan that will maximize your chances of success, you’ll need to be more specific and precise.
Helping you do this is probably what you want, since you’re reading this.
In my wife Nancy’s more than 20 years of experience as a counselor, one of the most common questions she’s been asked is, “Can a marital separation ever save a marriage?”
Her answer is a qualified “yes.” It all depends on how the separation is handled.
The steps you can take now will increase the odds that your marital separation will lead to a reunion with your spouse and result in a marriage that is better than ever.
As with all of the books and programs that Nancy and I have produced, a constant refrain that we repeat is that small steps practiced over time produce big results.
Each individual step may seem insignificant when you view the overwhelming magnitude of the problems of a marriage in crisis.
But the ONLY way a marriage on the edge of divorce can be resuscitated is by changing behavior in digestible but important ways.
As legendary basketball coach John Wooden says, “When you improve a little each day, eventually big things occur…Not tomorrow, not the next day, but eventually a big gain is made.”
Don’t look for big, quick improvement. Seek the small improvement one day at a time. That’s the only way it happens—and when it happens, it lasts.
You have in front of you the first step in what could be a new beginning for you and your partner. May you have the courage and conviction to make wise use of such an important opportunity.
You can’t solve a problem until you identify what the problem really is and then take action to address it.
Tip: If you are already or about to be separated, it’s to your advantage to accept it and make the best of it.
When we speak to distressed spouses in troubled marriages, we often hear “Why should I accept the reason my spouse says she wants a separation? It doesn’t make sense.”
Of course it may not make sense to you. It’s not your viewpoint, it’s your spouse’s. You don’t have to like or agree with their reasoning. But at least accept that in your spouse’s mind, there is a problem. And that problem might be big enough to end your marriage.
The following example will help you understand why it’s in your best interest to accept your spouse’s perspective.
A woman had trouble recognizing the faces of people that she had met. It was causing her considerable embarrassment until one day she confided about her problem to her best friend. “I feel so dumb,” she told her friend, “when I don’t recognize people I’ve known for years.”
The friend asked, “Why don’t you wear your glasses?”
The woman, who was nearsighted, had always had a bit of vanity about wearing the glasses and had only used them while driving. Until then, she hadn’t considered the possibility that it was her poor vision that was her problem. She had just beat herself up for not recognizing people.
But once she accepted the truth—that her embarrassment was caused by her imperfect vision—she was able to start wearing her glasses in order to recognize acquaintances.
In much the same way, until you accept that your mate thinks there is a problem in the marriage, you can’t work on fixing it.
You can’t change what has already taken place, and you don’t have excess energy that you can afford to waste by continually banging your head against the wall. Honor your spouse’s wishes and give your spouse the emotional and physical space he or she has requested.
When you first become separated you’ll have to manage your emotions. Don’t try to block or medicate them out. Some spouses resort to alcohol or drugs to numb themselves to the emotional pain. They don’t want to feel the intense emotions of anger, despair or rejection that came with their partner’s announcement.
Accept your feelings. Realize also that in spite of your present unhappiness with your marriage, there very well could be a great opportunity not only to save the marriage but to make it better. You may not believe it now, but even painful and negative emotions can have a positive benefit if they lead to changes that improve your marriage and your life.
Intense emotions can wash over you like a tidal wave. First the crest of the wave hits you and you are smashed by the tremendous pressure and weight of water above you. Eventually the wave subsides, but you have to survive the immediate impact first.
You might feel nauseated, dizzy, helpless, and overwhelmed. Either you can’t sleep or you find yourself sleeping more than usual. You might not be able to eat at all or you might gorge on everything in sight.
The situation can feel unreal and disorienting. People who have sudden emotional shocks like this know what is happening on a literal level, but on another level it can seem that it’s happening to someone else. If you feel numb and too paralyzed to take action, don’t worry about it for now. The crest of the wave is passing over you now and the worst of it will pass. Have faith that you’ll be O.K.
You might strongly feel that your spouse is “wrong” and “shouldn’t feel that way.” But remember, your spouse’s perception is just as valid as yours. And also remember that individuals often make rash decisions that appear irrational to others when they are upset and emotionally off balance.
There’s nothing to be gained by trying to make your spouse feel guilty or by railing out at the unfairness of what has happened. It has already happened—that means it’s in the past. You have to deal with reality as it is in the present moment. It just makes sense to regroup and then go forward in a way that will give your marriage the best chance of surviving.
Above all, if you want to keep your marriage, you must keep the faith that the separation offers you a chance to grow. And by becoming a better person you can become the kind of partner you’d like to have. If this happens you marriage may be renewed for the better.
Ride the storm of emotions and try to be patient, even if your emotions are raging. Storms pass and in the relative calm that follows is your chance to take the first steps toward improving your marriage.
So for now, hang in there.