February 2026
Dear Upset Spouse,
Of course you you’d prefer a happy marriage to an unhappy separation. That’s obvious but misunderstood.
But are you now separated without a clue of how to get back together? And you don’t know what to do?
Don’t give up. You can still have a happier marriage than you had before even if your spouse:
It can feel like the end of the world when a spouse says “I don’t love you anymore” or “I want a separation.”
Especially if you didn’t see it coming.
You’ve probably found that the announcement impacts every aspect of your life, and now you may be wondering if you can keep your balance.
If you’re like most people in your situation, you’re probably feeling scared and confused, not knowing what to do next.
And the truth is you’re not alone. You’ve got plenty of company of others like you who don’t know what to do.
Dealing with Emotions
Rebuilding Connection with Spouse
Purpose of Separation
Communicating with Spouse
You obviously weren’t taught positive marriage-building skills in school. If you’re like most people, you’re having to learn on your own.
And there are two main ways people usually learn: by trial and error or by finding out what people who are successful do.
You don’t have time to waste on trial and error attempts to discover what will save your marriage. You need to know what precise steps to take right now to keep your spouse from bolting out of the marriage for good.
I wanted to let you know that my husband has decided to come home and go to marriage counseling. I can’t thank you enough for your advice–without it I don’t know where we would have been. Thank you so much.
–Married eight years, mother of two
Many separated spouses in your situation experience these emotions and thoughts as their marriage is unravelling:
Devastated – I’ve lost my dream of marital happiness.
Hopeless – I don’t know what to do.
Pessimistic – Even marriage counseling probably won’t help.
Angry, especially if there’s been an affair – How could he (or she) do this?
Embarrassed – What will I tell my family, friends, and neighbors?
Afraid – How can I handle this financially? I’ve read that an average divorce in the U.S. costs over $20,000.
Worried – How will the kids be affected if we divorce?
Lonely – How will I find someone else? I don’t want to deal with the dating scene again.
One of my clients who went through divorce told me “I’d much rather have 10 root canals done on me that to go through that again.” Unfortunately, this experience is all too common.
It doesn’t have to happen to you.
Thank you for the excellent book. I got it about a week ago and I’ve already read most of it twice. I am really beginning to learn more about myself and why I do the things I do and especially what things I should not do that put up barriers between my husband and I. I also love the romantic suggestions.
Thank you for your help and I’m so grateful that I found your book.
—Married for 6 Years, New Jersey
My wife Nancy and I think of our relationship as if we had two bank accounts in a relationship bank. She has an account with me, and I have an account with her.
Every time one of us does something nice for the other, it’s like making a goodwill’ deposit in that person’s bank account. But if a person does something irritating to the partner, it’s like making a goodwill withdrawal from their account.
We have a goal of maintaining a positive balance with each other on a daily basis. Every single day, we want to make bigger deposits than withdrawals with each other. By making sure our accounts with each other are never overdrawn, we keep our marriage healthy.
Using this method, when you’ve built up large positive reserves of goodwill with each other, your relationship is in good shape. That way, when you need to ask for extra understanding or patience from your spouse, you have enough goodwill accumulated in your account to cover the request.
What Nancy and I get from this system is we feel motivated to put frequent deposits into our account with the other person. Deposits can be strokes of affection, a gesture of respect, an acknowlegement for something the other has done, or some kind of compliment to the other person.
Yes, it takes some effort to establish the habit of making goodwill deposits on a daily basis. But building up large goodwill reserves with each other feels so good that it’s addictive. And once you get started it feeds upon itself. As you repeat making your deposits with your partner, you condition yourself and you condition the relationship itself.
You find your marriage spiraling upward to heights you never imagined. And as you apply this and my other recommendations, you’ll find that you are bonding more to your partner. Emotional intimacy is enhanced, mutual respect is increased, and sex becomes better. And aren’t those the things that you really want?
This is also a way to do your part to make up with your spouse.
If you could stop separation going any further, which of the following kinds of improvement would you want in your marriage?
What if you could have some or all of these things with your spouse? What would it be worth to you?
Don’t give up on improving your marriage. There’s still hope for you.
Read on.
I downloaded your book today and have already read half of it. In the top 21 Marriage Busters, I am guilty of 12 of them. I think that your book is spot on but wish I had read it some time ago (with my wife).
November 2024
(Later, the same person wrote me the following email.)
Just a small note to tell you that I am back with my beautiful wife, working on our fantastic future…Anyway, our lives are back on track and I am the luckiest person alive. With the kindest regards and thanks.
–Married for 12 Years, Australia February 2005
As an experienced relationship author and educator, I can tell you what to do to maximize your chances of success. I can also help you avoid actions that will only waste your time and energy.
It just makes sense to learn what other couples have done who have rebuilt enduring passionate marriages . Don’t you want that too?
The good news is that there’s always hope that you can turn your marriage around. By using my system you could:
– Save tens of thousands of dollars in divorce costs,
– Keep your dream alive of having a happy marriage,
– Save weeks or months in divorce court, and
– Save untold stress on yourself and other family members (your kids, their grandparents, etc.)
Your spouse’s announcement of unhappiness is serious but it doesn’t have to be the end of your relationship. It is, however, a wakeup call to you. It means that you have to take positive action if you don’t want your mate to move toward divorce .
(According to a Utah State University study, an average divorce in the U.S. costs over $27,000.)
It’s important to realize that certain impulsive reactions from you could push your partner to leave the marriage for good. Don’t blast him (or her) with questions. Don’t overpower him with rage.
Yes, you may feel justified to act in these ways.
But be careful with behaviors that could shatter your chances for marital recovery. You can shoot yourself in the foot if you do the wrong thing now.
I’ve seen clients throw a fit when they got the announcement ‘I don’t love you anymore.’ But just as a raging bull can destroy a china shop , unleashed fury can ruin any chance of patching things up.
Explosions never hold anything together. Especially in a marriage.
But they can sabotage your future with your spouse if you’re not careful. Because there’s still a chance for you to make up and have a happy marriage if you know what to do.
I have devoured the book. It has totally changed the way I view my situation, my responses and my attitude…I see definite areas of needed improvement. I thank you for such valuable information.
— Married 25 years, father of one, Arizona
You may want to tell your spouse that she (or he) is wrong for having feelings of wanting to separate or to leave the marriage.
I’ve seen quite a few partners who try to talk their mates out of having the feelings that have finally bubbled to the surface and now threaten the marriage.
But it won’t work.
Such efforts to change the mind of the partner are futile and are destined to fail. Why? Because there is a history of unhappiness behind the words.
And you can’t change history with an argument.
What has happened is that a history of dissatisfaction has built up on the side of the spouse threatening to leave. Whether the surprised partner considers the reasons given to be valid or not doesn’t alter the fact that the unhappiness exists.
Whatever you do…
Don’t fall into the trap of arguing or telling your partner that she (or he) is wrong.
Why?
Because her perception is her reality. And it’s the basis for her feelings and the decisions she makes. You will only make your mate defensive and more entrenched in her viewpoint if you make the mistake of arguing.
Thank you so much for writing this book. Last night my husband told me that he wasn’t sure that he wanted to stay together. Well, I read the majority of the book and wrote my husband a note that took responsibility for my actions over the last 7 years.
Up until that note he didn’t even know if he wanted to have dinner with me to talk things over. He also admitted that he is part of the blame, too. But it was probably the first time that I took full blame for what I and only I have done.
Thank you so much for giving me the chance to work out my marriage. It is now up to me and God to follow through with my promises. All My Gratitude.
–Married 7 years, Florida
If you could stop separation going any further, which of the following kinds of improvement would you want in your marriage?
What if you could have some or all of these things with your spouse? What would it be worth to you?
Don’t give up on improving your marriage. There’s still hope for you.
Read on.
I downloaded your book today and have already read half of it. In the top 21 Marriage Busters, I am guilty of 12 of them. I think that your book is spot on but wish I had read it some time ago (with my wife).
(Later, the same person wrote me the following email.)
Just a small note to tell you that I am back with my beautiful wife, working on our fantastic future…Anyway, our lives are back on track and I am the luckiest person alive. With the kindest regards and thanks.
–Married for 12 Years, Australia
The first thing you must do is accept the situation as a given.
You’ll need to accept your spouse’s discontent if you want to positively influence the disastrous turn your marriage is taking.
Even if you disagree with the reasons your mate gives you for being unhappy.
This doesn’t mean you have to agree with your partner’s reasons.
Not at all.
Nor does it necessarily mean accepting the partner at his (or her) word if he says that he’s leaving.
But if you understand the true meaning of acceptance, you’ll understand how it can mean the difference between divorce and happily reuniting.
You have to start where the other person is when you’re trying to understand why they feel as they do. And you have to acknowledge the reality that your spouse has differing perceptions and feelings.
They aren’t wrong. They’re just different from yours. Failure to acknowledge this will hurt your chances of patching things up.
Your actual reaction to crisis isn’t based on what happens to you.
Instead your reaction is based on your interpretation of what happens to you and what you believe it means.
One man’s wife might announce that she wants a divorce. His unconscious belief is that his wife is leaving him because he is inadequate and this means that he’s not a good person. And therefore, he’s not lovable or attractive. So he reacts with rage because he feels threatened.
Another husband might react with sympathy and concern for his wife.
He might believe that the wife is under stress and needs emotional support. He asks himself if his excessive hours at the office have driven a wedge between them.
He reaches out to her to try to reestablish a connection.
These are two very different reactions. And each response will produce its own very different outcome in a marriage.
I’ll show you how to reevaluate your reactions to get the results you want.
There are four typical ways in which you might react when you and your spouse separate:
Give up. You might decide that your spouse has already made up his mind. Maybe you are thinking that divorce is a done deal. But this could be a hasty judgement on your part.
Try to control your spouse. Here, you might try to talk her out of separating. You could try to make her feel guilty or tell her that she’ll never find someone who’ll love her like you do. This approach will almost always backfire on you.
Declare open war. In your raging fury, you start telling anyone who’ll listen how you’ve been done wrong. You criticize your spouse loudly and often. This is a direct path to divorce.
These approaches will not save your marriage.
The fourth strategy is the one that works:
Bounce Back Like a Rubber Ball. In this scenario, at first you are thrown off balance like everybody else. Your emotions rage like a storm. But then you recover your balance and you start taking proactive steps to recover your marriage.
This is the strategy I’ll teach you.
It’s up to you to decide which of these approaches you want to follow. If you’ve chosen a response but you’re not happy with the results you’re getting, you can choose to change your response.
You don’t have to stay stuck in a way of reacting that isn’t working for you or helping your marriage.
It’s important to remember that you can choose to change your reaction anytime.
Just decide to do so.
You’re probably familiar with the saying, If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll just get more of what you’ve always gotten.
You always have the opportunity to decide how you will react to a situation.
If your first reaction is to give up, you can decide to take a different approach instead. If a painter doesn’t like the colors he has initially picked, he paints over the canvas and selects different colors.
A writer who doesn’t like the story she’s writing can decide to start a new story. So can you.
I’ll teach you ways to transform your self awareness in ways that’ll help you react to stressful situations differently.
Thanks to you and your advice, I saved my marriage, even when I was the only one wanting to stop divorce. I can’t thank you enough for all of your help.
— Married twelve years, age 38, New York
You have a great book. I bought a lot of other books and yours was the one that was absolutely invaluable.
I am extremely grateful for your help. You not only gave me the information I needed to get my marriage out of a very dire situation where there seemed to be no hope and set it on a course to recovery, but it also set me on a course of self-discovery.
I am certain that the things I have learned through my own trials and tribulations will help me not only in my relationship with my wife, but also in my relationship with myself.
–Business owner, California
But if you don’t know how, you’ll stay stuck where you are. And unless something changes, your relationship with your spouse could get even worse.
In one sense you’re like a writer of a movie. You are writing the script of your life each and every day with the decisions and the choices you make.
And if you have the courage to face the truth and admit that what you’ve been doing has not given you the results you want, you can change yourself and your own actions.
And this will change your life.
If you’re willing to take responsibility for your behavior, the way will be paved for positive change in your marriage. One of the most powerful decisions that a spouse can make is to commit to taking responsibility for the quality of his relationship with his partner.
Related: What does temporary separation mean?
My guess is that you’re afraid that your separation is probably headed for divorce, otherwise you wouldn’t have read this far. And if you don’t change your direction, you won’t change your destination.
But before you make a decision on what to do, I want you to ask yourself:
What will be the true cost of your divorce, besides thousands of dollars? Enormous stress, hundreds of hours of your time, your own health going downhill? The list goes on.
Is your marriage worth the effort of learning new ways to reconnect with your partner?
If you don’t take action now, how much regret will you feel if you lose your marriage?
How much pain are you suffering because your spouse is threatening divorce?
How would your divorce negatively affect other family members, such as children, parents, and grandparents?
The answers to these questions give you a good idea of how committed you are to keeping your marriage.
So have you convinced yourself to do whatever it takes to preserve the precious treasure you have-your marriage? Why not take immediate action instead of continuing to spin your wheels?
Related: Separated but still in love.
If you liked the ideas presented above toward overcoming your differences with your spouse and getting back together, then there are two paths you can take.
The Free Route
You may want to take your time in nurturing yourself and allowing your spouse time to think about how to deal with the future, either with or without you.
This way you can simply choose to receive our FREE PDF and the advice series of emails that comes with it.
And you can read the helpful articles we’ve written on how to handle separation and allow the proven insights to sink into your consciousness.
Or if you feel an urgent need to take action to reunite with your spouse, there is another option…
The Immediate Help Route
You can invest in buying our kindle book on Amazon to get quick advice that you can start using right away:
Survive Marriage Separation: What to Say and Do to Keep Your Marriage
If within a week of getting the book you fail to
– Get a renewed sense of hope for your marriage,
– Learn 25 things you can do to begin to turn the relationship around,
– Give your spouse a hint of how you’re working to change the dynamics in your relationship, and
– Undergo a mindset shift that gives you confidence that you’ll be okay regardless of what happens.
Amazon offers an IRON-CLAD 7-day money back guarantee .
Thank you for making it this far to gain more clarity in order to feel better about your marriage.