Someone once said that romance is the medium through which love is transmitted.  If that’s true, then romance is really about finding ways to show love for your partner.

So how do you show love for your partner?

If you’re not aware of your mate’s primary “love language,” then you probably don’t have a clue what the most effective way is to make your spouse feel loved.

In the book The Heart of the Five Love Languages, author Gary Chapman talks about finding the  love language of your partner and then speaking in that language every time you want to be romantic or convey your love to him or her.

After reading this little book, my wife Nancy and I were talking about how each of us likes to be told “I love you.”

In Nancy’s case, she likes to feel appreciated.  Through trial and error, I’ve noticed that she lights up the most when I say things like “You did a good job in writing that article for our newsletter.”  Or “I really appreciate the extra effort you made this month in keeping our books balanced.”  Or “I’m so lucky to be married to such a creative and brilliant woman.”

In my case, I have a different love language.  The way that I like to be loved is to be physically touched.  I like holding hands, dancing close and snuggling.

It doesn’t mean that each of us doesn’t also like other ways of being loved, but those are the primary ways for us.

What’s sad is to see couples go through marriage crisis after being together for decades, when they never learned how their partner likes to be loved. Even going through marriage counseling is not a guarantee for learning this lesson, or for avoiding marriage problems.

But you can be proactive.

So you and your spouse might ask yourself, “What do I really need to feel loved?” Then share this with each other. This could be the first step toward fixing an unhappy marriage.

–Written by Lee Hefner