Of all the problems that a marriage can encounter, jealousy is one of the most toxic issues that can send a couple to a marriage guidance counselor. And if it is not addressed in time, repairing the marriage becomes ever more difficult.

And mistrust and suspicion alone can provoke a marriage crisis, even if there’s no basis for the suspicion.

Here are some pointers to help you to keep jealousy from provoking a marriage crisis with your spouse:

1. When you first notice that you’re feeling jealous, immediately try to identify what insecurity or fear is being triggered. Is it a fear of abandonment? A fear you don’t measure up? Your own insecurities about not feeling successful or attractive enough? When insecurities or fears are activated, you’re more likely to overreact in a way that could hurt your relationship.
2. Instead of focusing on the behavior you want your spouse to stop so you won’t feel the uncomfortable pangs of jealousy, examine your self-talk. Are you telling yourself, “My wife shouldn’t be flirting with him like that,” or “My husband will probably leave me for someone else one day.” You can change how you feel by changing what you tell yourself about the situation.
3. Take a close look at your past history. Did one of your parents cheat on the other one? Did a spouse in your first marriage betray you? Or did you cheat on a partner in the past? If so, it is likely you are projecting your past experiences and feelings on to your present spouse. Try to keep the past separate from the present.
4. Do a reality check. Instead of getting upset about the future scenario your mind has jumped to, list what exact behaviors you’re upset about. Your list might read, “My wife talked to a handsome bachelor she had just met when we were at our friend’s party. She smiled and laughed, and looked like she was having a good time.” So the objective list of behaviors includes talking, smiling, laughing, and looking like she was having a good time—not exactly unusual party behavior.
5. Stay rooted in the present moment and reel in your imagination before it runs away with you. You don’t want to damage your relationship by accusing your spouse of something he or she didn’t do. Besides harming the trust and harmony of your marriage, if you routinely accuse your spouse of imaginary transgressions, you could end up pushing him or her into the very behavior you’re zeroing in on.
6. Think before you speak. Notice the difference in the two following approaches: A) “I felt neglected last night at the party when you never spent any time with me. In fact, if I’m really honest, I was starting to feel slightly jealous, and I don’t like that feeling. I really need to talk about this with you.” or B) “I am so sick of you always flirting with every man in sight when we go to a party. People are going to think you’re nothing but a tramp.” Think about which approach will be most likely to result in a meaningful discussion.
7. Remind yourself that your spouse chose you, so he or she finds you and your qualities attractive. Also remember confidence and self-respect is attractive to others. When you throw a jealous fit, you appear insecure and needy, as if you need constant reassurance of your spouse’s commitment. Repeat to yourself, “My wife (or husband) loves me and chose me to spend her life with. I’m lucky to have such a personable, attractive spouse who loves me.”

–By Nancy Wasson, Ph.D.