Some of the most typical symptoms of a crisis include dissatisfaction with the job, anxiety over signs of aging (lines around the eyes, graying hair, etc.) and unhappiness with the marriage.
And one of the most common indicators of a mid life crisis is when the spouse tells the partner “I don’t love you anymore” or “I’m leaving.”
If this is happening to you, how are you handling it? Are you wondering if you can save your marriage?
With the words “I don’t love you anymore,” a marital crisis can split a marriage wide open, along with the heart of the mate who may not have suspected that anything was wrong.
In the midst of profound confusion, disbelief, and shock, spouses in this situation typically search for marriage guidance. You may find that endless questions haunt you during every waking hour. What should you do next? What would be helpful?
Would marriage counseling help? What would make things worse? Is there a chance that your spouse may have a change of heart?
No one can guarantee that you’ll be able to win back your wife or husband. After all, no one, yourself included, can predict the intentions, thoughts or emotions of your spouse. But you’ll significantly increase the odds in your favor if you know what other individuals in an unhappy marriage have done to successfully turn the marriage around. It just makes good sense to have a well-thought-out game plan in place instead of panicking as you spin your wheels.
To stop divorce resulting from your spouse’s middle life crisis, you’ll want to:
• Survive the current crisis and buy time,
• Stop any behaviors that can drive your partner away,
• Decide what it is that you really want with and for your spouse,
• Lay the groundwork with your spouse so that you can connect better, and
• Develop skills that will help you deepen the intimacy in your marriage.
Each of these topics is worthy of an article by itself. I’ll be addressing them in future posts.
For now, just understand that few things are written in stone. If your spouse has said “I don’t love you anymore,” it doesn’t necessarily mean the end of your marriage.
But it is a warning shot for you to take proactive steps.
–By Lee Hefner
To see how you can create a better marriage by taking small, achievable steps, you may want to get our free Marriage Crisis First Aid 6-Part Course that also comes with our free weekly email marriage newsletter. Just submit your information and click Get Access Now.
Tags: having a mid life crisis, mid life crisis, middle life, midlife crisis, signs of a midlife crisis
Leave A Reply (7 comments So Far)
Forrest
318 days ago
My wife walked out and the kids decided to stay with me…the typical, I don’t love you anymore…this is not the first time she has left either. she is actually looking for a job and everything. Last time she was gone a year before she came home and she feels she was tricked into returning. This time, I admitted i had had an affair 10 years ago so I feel she found her reason to leave…
Mariola
361 days ago
that we have to work it out between the 2 of us??? As if this was senhtoimg that I caused??? (We have only been married 3 1/2 yrs, His divorce from her mother is what caused it, because of her infidelity. Also a issue they had with their oldest daughter when she went off to college at 19. I just happen to get all the left over insanity from it. I found this out the 1st yr we were married, that he was an alcoholic, as I was finding bottles of vodka hidden in our garage, or his work shed, etc. He told me that he only drank wine prior to our marriage). They think if they bury their head in the sand & PRETEND that it does not exist, it will all go away. What is going to go away is their dad & son! & maybe myself & my little life saver of a dog, Bella, (She is the only love I have or get in my life. He already let her jump out of our moving truck, it’s amazing she didn’t get run over or killed. Fortunately, it was right in front of our house.) I don’t understand that attitude from his family for the LIFE of me??? Yet if senhtoimg bad happened, I KNOW they would all blame me. As his mom did already when I tried to tell her about 1 occurance, she said, well, who gave it to him ??? He is 59 yrs old! And each yr, he grows more and MORE combative, more arguementive. But he doesn’t think he has a problem, or just doesn’t care. But I am tired of his mental & emotional abuse. It is costing ME everything, including my relationship with the Lord. What do or can you do when they will not admit that they even HAVE a problem or they refuse to go get help???
Lee Hefner
360 days ago
Mariola, my heart goes out to you. Your marriage definitely sounds dysfunctional, not least because of your husband’s drinking. And I know a thing or two about addictions, having overcome a few myself. What I can say is this:
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1. An alcoholic cannot be helped if he (or she) refuses to accept help. Furthermore, you cannot force someone to change their behavior. It’s helpful to remember the Serenity Prayer:
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God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
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2. I’m not telling you what to do, but I’m not one of those who says you must stay in a marriage at any cost. Instead, I believe that you must honor, respect and take care of yourself. The abuse and behavior from your husband are certainly grounds for divorce.
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If a couple is willing to work on themselves, I hold out the hope for a better or even a great relationship. But if one of the partners is stuck in denial and addiction, if nothing changes in behavior, then nothing changes in the quality of your marriage.
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You may find a local support group through Alanon (http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/). I hope this helps.
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– Lee Hefner
Sue
388 days ago
This happened to me 7 years ago, my husband walked out after 26 years of marriage; looking back and analysing everything, we hit all the criteria that Nancy mentions in her articles explaining what happens. Yes, he said ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you’…. My husband came back to the marital home after 6 months. It took a lot of effort for both of us to admit our short-comings, but we worked through it all and I have to say, we both had to go through the ‘pain barrier’ to really appreciate who we are, what we are, and, at the end of the day, we are soulmates, and couldn’t be without each other, and love each other very much (warts and all, because we’re not perfect)! So much has happened in our life since, not all good, but we’ve been there for each other and know we’re meant to be together, through good and bad – we both give each other space to have our own friends, but we’re happy and settled. One thing I’d share during those black days is when when husband said, ‘it was easier to walk away than stay’ (which hurt very much) – was that he meant, (and they don’t always say it like a woman do they girls), is that once he walked out, he couldn’t find his way back to me, because he knew he’d done wrong and was really ashamed, and he thought I couldn’t forgive him. This took him 6 months to explain this to me; and that’s where the time element comes in, for both parties to heal, and when he recognised I’d forgiven him, he came back. I look back as if it were all a very nasty nightmare. I keep reading Nancy’s articles because we can all ‘slip back’ if not careful . Her articles ‘act’ as a jog for me now and then, not to take each other for granted. Nancy’s articles are really thought-provoking and made me consider how I acted in the relationship. They brought me hope and faith in my darkest moments, they taught me to take a good long look at myself, and a slow dawning that I wasn’t perfect either! They still serve as a ‘jog’, when I sometimes feel I’ve lost the plot with my other half, because you have to keep working at it! Keep your faith folks, it takes determination, but if you want to save your relationship, it’s down to you to work at it!
Lee Hefner
381 days ago
Thanks for sharing your story, Sue. I hope someone reading it will be inspired to upgrade their efforts to connect with their spouse at the heart. People often talk about the work required to do this. Yes, there is work and effort involved. But Nancy and I’ve found that if we reframe marriage improvement as the simple acts of depositing love into the heart of your spouse on a daily basis, it stops feeling like work and begins to feel like a thrilling rush of excitement. This is what we try to communicate in our writing.
Aaron I Anderson
389 days ago
I’ve found in my practice that ‘I’m having a midlife crisis” usually really means that they’ve been unhappy for a while and are just getting the courage to finally change things. Unfortunately, that means they’re getting ready to change their spouse too. Which is too bad because finding a new stage in life together with a spouse can be so enriching and enlivening to a relationship.
Lee Hefner
381 days ago
Aaron, I certainly agree that finding a new stage in life together with a spouse can be enriching and enlivening to a marriage.. I have found that the key phrase that you mentioned is “getting ready to change their spouse.” Getting ready to change the spouse doesn’t mean necessarily that it’s already a done deal and that the marriage is already over. Every marriage has its own unique differences and sometimes the spouses themselves don’t realize that if the dynamics somehow shifted in the relationship, then their feelings about staying in the marriage might change.