I receive many questions from middle-aged spouses concerning depression, especially male depression.
According to a health report by Jim Thornton, twenty percent of men over fifty are estimated to have depression or chronic low mood.
Just think—that’s one in every five men over the age of fifty! Only thirty percent of men with depression seek treatment, while ninety percent of men who are treated for depression experience significant relief.
Thornton states that while women attempt suicide three times more often than men do, men are four times more likely to finish the job. And these next statistics may shock you: “The single highest suicide completion rate for any demographic group in the United States is older white males. By age 85 men are more than ten times as likely as women to kill themselves.”
Terrence Real, best-selling author of I Don’t Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression, “suspects that many afflicted men try to numb their pain with drinking, compulsive gambling, uncontrolled sexuality, or temper tantrums.” He states that instead of feeling bad, the experience of depression for such men may involve losing the capacity to feel at all.
Of course, any of the above behaviors can be clear causes of a marriage crisis that points to marital separation and divorce.
If you suspect your husband may be suffering from depression, encourage him to consult with his physician or a psychologist. Suffering alone in silence is unnecessary and pointless when effective treatments are available.
And how heart-wrenching for a husband to endure pain and suffering when ninety percent of men who receive help get significantly better.
Reflection: One of the kindest things you can do to get your husband back is to gently let him know that many men suffer from depression, some of whom he may admire, including sports figures, celebrities and successful men.
–By Nancy Wasson, Ph.D.
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Tags: depressed, depression, husband depressed, Male Depression, men depression, spouse depressed
Leave A Reply (8 comments So Far)
Ahmed
361 days ago
You’re probably going to have to go thurogh Tricare to find a counselor but make an appointment with a doctor on base if you can and ask his advise. Maybe you can get a referral to a counselor on base.Many military personnel are reluctant to seek counseling of any kind but with the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan taking a toll on mental health it has become more acceptable. If your husband won’t go, seek counseling on your own. Your husband’s squadron should recognize this as a valid medical/mental health issue. He is more focused on the job and therefore more valuable to the Air Force when he doesn’t have to worry about problems at home.I doubt the V.A. will help and wouldn’t recommend them anyway. I’ve been there!And it looks like Holly’s experience is more current than mine. A good place to start.
Linder
402 days ago
I am experiencing simiar issues and with help have come to these conclusions…
1. You come first. That means your, diet, your health & your happiness. These are all things you have control over and while it is difficult to keep to our side of the street, detaching with love and making yourself a priority is a gift worth giving yourself.
2. Go Al-Anon, Codependants Anonymous or another free program that can assist you in lovingly accepting how things are and moving on with your own life.
3. Love & compassion. For yourself & your partner. The truth is he is suffering and he has a choice, we all do. Instead of continuing a stressful conversation, lead with love & compassion. Hold your partner in a loving space. In prayer or meditation say the things every day that you wish for your husband. “I hold Bob in love and light. He is whole and complete, happy & present for himself and others”.
Just keep saying it. Two things will happen. You will begin focusing on yourself and finding your happiness in spite of what is going on with him and perhaps he will see your changes and find a path out of the darkness he resides in.
Be well. I hope this helps.
Lee Hefner
402 days ago
Do you have any particular books to recommend for people suffering from depression? And how have they made a difference?
Devan
402 days ago
Everyone is prone to depression or has bad days, if it lasts longer then a week I would see a doctor, but some people won’t see a doctor so here are some alternatives that work for me.
1) Exercise-Even taking a 15 minute walk can help.
2) Get out in the sun so you can raise your vitamin B.
3) Repent-I say that because when have a better relationship with my fellow man and God things are better. In Hebrew the word Repent means to “turn back”, so sometimes it is good to ask for forgiveness for people you have wronged
4) Give Service- When you help another person it can creates a natural high
5) Watch something or read something positive- Garbage in, Garbage out. I turn off the news and that helps a lot.
6) Be Thankful- Writing down 20 things you are thankful can be a catalyst for change. This is used by millions of people to improve mood.
Lee Hefner
402 days ago
I know from personal experience how resistant to trying anything a person who is depressed can be. Do you have any tips for helping a depressed person take action on any of the steps you mentioned?
Lee Hefner
402 days ago
Barb, I would strongly suggest that you seek counseling and/or coaching for yourself as well as your husband. Your husband needs help, but you could also benefit from expert guidance on how best to help your husband and your marriage.
Depending on where you live, there may be a number of counseling/coaching avenues available to you. You can find more information at our blog post “Tips for Finding Marriage Counseling and Coaching Advice Worldwide.” This link is http://j.mp/GWtyDU.
I’ll also put a query out to my Twitter list asking for advice from those with experience with depression.
I wish you the best and hope you can find some relief soon.
Lee
Barb
404 days ago
What do you do when you have convinced your husband a couple of times to see a doctor for his severe depression but the treatment was not very successful because he would not stay on the medications regularly and now he refuses to see a doctor again, is severly depress, going through a mid life crisis and doesn’t know if he wants to be in the marriage any longer? On the other hand he cannot be alone for long periods of time either. I am extremely concerned about my husband and I feel at a loss at what to do.
Lee Hefner
402 days ago
The two comments by Linder and Devan are both good. Any 12-step program might be helpful. Plus they’re free, anonymous support groups where you might find others in situations similar to your.
Have you tried any similar support groups or have friends who have that kind of experience?