When a spouse is physically present but emotionally unavailable and mentally “out to lunch,” the partner will feel the difference.

Something important is missing, and what is missing is the spouse’s full attention to the conversation or activity. Often, the distracted spouse is feeling rushed, bored, impatient, or stressed.

When that happens, the natural tendency is to constantly mentally leap ahead to the next items on the “to do” list.

If this describes you, then you are missing the experience you’re having right now—you’re focusing instead on what you’re going to do next. By living in the future, you miss the present.

Not being fully present when you’re interacting with your mate is one of the biggest roadblocks to intimacy. And, over time, the feeling of disconnection between the two of you can grow and intensify. In the extreme, the relationship may spiral down to the point where marriage separation is discussed.

There’s a quote by Mary Catherwood that sums up what happens: “Two may talk together under the same roof for many years, yet never really meet.”

This is the tragedy that often results in marriage crisis—but you can avoid this by giving your partner the gift of being fully present

Questions: Is your spouse buried with overwork or something else that prevents giving you emotional support or engagement? Is there an addiction that steals energy from the marriage?

Reflection: In many societies around the world, men traditionally are raised to not show feelings. But in today’s world, many traditions and customs are changing, including the acceptance for men to acknowledge and express emotions. So it’s not unrealistic to expect  that a husband can learn to do a better job expressing his feelings.

–By Nancy Wasson, Ph.D.

I recently ran across this great little free e-book called 30 Keys to Change Your Destiny by Guy Finley.

These Keys have many applications in life and in relationships. They could ultimately mean the difference between building intimacy in your relationship and suffering in an unhappy marriage.

The first Key that jumped out at me was this one:

Key 5 — Go Beyond the Best That You Think You Can:

“Special insight: anybody can do what every body else does, which is usually the minimum to get the maximum. You do more. Take the step you’re sure you can’t. You’ll discover that the ‘you’ who could not is only a thought that believes it can not. See this. Then get going beyond yourself.”

So how does this apply to relationships and particularly to marriage? It’s really about going the extra mile in your relationship. I’ve seen many relationships ending in marriage separation in which the partners never formed the habit of doing this.

It’s amazing how far a little bit of extra effort will go when it comes to building rapport with your mate. It’s especially effective when you do nice things for your mate in his or her favorite love language.

For example:

• If your spouse especially likes to be affirmed and complemented, then make a special effort to do this more often.

• If quality time together is one of the most important things that tells your spouse that you care, then make this a priority.

• If receiving physical tokens of your affection are what turns on your mate, then surprise him or her more often, even with low-cost or no-cost presents. It’s the thought that often counts the most.

• If acts of service are important to your mate, try doing some extra chores that your spouse will appreciate.

• And if physical touch is a premium quality of affection with your partner, then try holding hands during a movie or offering a foot massage at the end of a long day.

Usually the seeds of marriage problems are planted when partners don’t heed the things that mean the most to their spouse. By doing nice things for your partner, you can outweigh negative emotional debris and reduce the chances that you’ll need marriage counseling later.

The best marriage guidance advice I know is to place a priority on your relationship and go the extra mile. Long term, it could end up meaning the difference between a troubled marriage versus a second honeymoon.

–By Lee Hefner