Category: Emotionally Unavailable

Can Resentment Destroy A Marriage?

I’ve seen it over and over. A couple fights over the same issues again and again. Nothing gets resolved.
Tensions build and resentments pile up. Finally one partner reaches a threshold and an emotional point of no return is passed.
The marriage becomes history. That’s too bad because with a new skill set, couples might avoid breaking up a home, a marriage and sometimes a family.
Resentment is a toxin that destroys relationships. And unless it is addressed quickly, resentment, like other negative emotions in a relationship, festers in a partner’s mind until it explodes sooner or later.
The irony is that the events leading up to the marital split often don’t seem to be that disruptive. Sure, there may be anger, yelling or coldness, but the gradual decline of a marriage sometimes is imperceptible.
It’s like the frog who doesn’t notice the slow rise of temperature in the pot of water he’s in—until it’s too late.
The disastrous consequences that follow—financial, emotional and social—may absolutely be avoided. The key is finding the way.
~ Lee Hefner

How Spouses Can Inspire Each Other To Be Better

My wife Nancy and I are always on the lookout for inspiration, especially as it relates to relationship and how spouses can inspire each other to a higher level of love in their marriage.
One of the better resources for married couples interested in a healthy relationship is, the site of Ian and Meg Lawton.
This was on their front page yesterday:
Affirming YOUR life on Tue July 16, 2013
Your thoughts are valid and important, but they are not the only valid thoughts and they aren’t the whole truth.
Embrace the Copernican revolution of truth- your truth is not at the center of the universe with all other truth circling around you.
Listen to others with humility. Build on your half truth. Check to make sure that you have the right half.
Say to yourself: I am open to learning from others. My mind expands gratefully with new thoughts.
Think of what a different place the world would be if more people had this philosophy.
— Lee Hefner

The Secret to Getting the Love You Want

Having taken a break from writing blog posts for awhile, I’m coming back to it now with a different approach, one which I hope will serve to give you our reader insight into what a good romantic relationship looks like to you.
Because the way Nancy and I handle some of the issues that come up for us might not be how you would handle them. Nor should you. Why?  Because the unspoken assumptions that are true with us are not necessarily the same that exist in your relationship.
What do I mean? Different people like to be loved in different ways.
One of the keys in building rapport with your sweetie is knowing how he (or she) likes to be loved. For example, I like to be physically touched. Nancy likes me to recognize her talents. Each of us has an individual’s profile of the love language that makes us feel cared for and appreciated.
At some point, I think it comes as a shock to everyone that what melts your butter may not be what your partner craves, and vice versa. So why not ask your mate “What could I do for you that would make you feel loved?”
That would be an excellent first step
~ Written by Lee Hefner
Need a marriage coach? Click here to learn more about a consultation with my wife Nancy Wasson, Ph.D.

Is It Okay for Men to Cry?

On the Marriage Velcro Facebook page recently, we posted a picture of a man shedding tears. The question posed—Is it okay for a man to cry?—generated a lively debate.
The question defines a debate about what it is to be a man. We’ve had many of our readers taking the traditional viewpoint that crying denotes weakness and that men aren’t supposed to cry.
And yet others say that no, men have feelings too and should be allowed to freely express them without stigma.
I know that men have the same emotions that provoke tears in women. But the historical legacy of the hunter, the warrior and the breadwinner teaches boys that men don’t cry.
Men have been living in straitjackets. The feelings they have, they keep bottled up with nowhere to go. Women have freedom to express emotion.
It’s the difference between an oak tree and a palm tree.
An oak tree is strong, hard and rigid. Its unyielding nature means it dies prematurely when it gets uprooted by a storm.
The palm tree on the other hand has a different kind of strength. It’s flexible and bends during a storm but does not break. It lives to see another day.
In the U.S.A., the model of manhood is changing. The value of men expressing themselves through tears is becoming more appreciated. Women longing for a soul mate show dissatisfaction when their man doesn’t  express feelings.
I’ve found that the quality of my marriage has been helped by the fact that I learned to access and express the full palate of human emotions that I possess. Because soul mates depend on it. ~ Lee Hefner

To Save Your Marriage… Look Up, Not Down

“Expect to have hope rekindled. The dry seasons in life do not last. The spring rains will come again.”
— Sarah Ban Breathnach
The best marriages don’t necessarily happen because the two people start with a lot of wisdom about what makes a relationship work.
Not at all.
Instead, it’s usually about people in their quest to find happiness through relationship who have taken three steps forward and two steps back, repeated over and over. The important thing is that they’ve learned from their mistakes and are willing to use that experience to make themselves into better spouses.
But in the many years my wife Nancy and I have been helping couples with relationship issues, I’ve seen countless spouses who never learn from their mistakes. Those are the ones who take three steps forward and three steps back, never learning, often blaming the spouse for their lack of happiness in the marriage.
They are the spouses who divorce and remarry, unconsciously carrying with them the same behaviors that contributed to their divorce in the first place.
But I have a confession to make. For many years I wasn’t much better.
I can remember a time 20 years ago when my first marriage ended and I was in such despair that I wasn’t sure I wanted to live.
That was way before I had learned what I know now about building and nurturing a successful soul partnership with another person. It seemed that I had made enough mistakes leading up to my divorce that should have been a warning to me had I known what to be aware of.
Fortunately I later had a wake-up call that caused such a profound shift in my thinking and behavior that I cannot take credit for it. It had to be divine intervention.
I met my wife Nancy and learned how to build and nurture a relationship. I learned how to avoid unconsciously tearing the relationship down.
And I learned that it really is possible to be in a soul partnership with a person, full of mutual respect and admiration, love, passion and harmony.
If I’d known in my first marriage what I know now, it could have turned out much differently.
That’s why I can say if you’re having marriage problems, knowing how to look up to the solution instead of down at the problem, may be how you really can save your marriage.
~ By Lee Hefner


Is It Okay for Men to Cry?

On the Marriage Velcro Facebook page recently, we posted a picture of a man shedding tears. The question posed—Is it okay for a man to cry?—generated a lively debate. The question defines a debate about what it is to be a man....

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