Discover How Over 30,000 Troubled Spouses Got Marriage-Saving Help
There are four typical ways in which you might react when your spouse threatens to leave you:
The fourth strategy is the one that works:
This is the strategy we’ll teach you.
It’s up to you to decide how to respond to your marriage crisis.
If you’ve chosen a response but you’re not happy with the results you’re getting from your spouse, you can choose to change your situation.
You don’t have to stay stuck in a way of reacting that isn’t working for you or helping your marriage. It’s important to remember that you can choose to change your reaction anytime.
Just decide to do so.
You’re probably familiar with the saying, “If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll just get more of the same.”
You always have the opportunity to decide how you will react to a situation. If your first reaction is to give up, you can decide to take a different approach instead.
If a painter doesn’t like the colors he has initially picked, he paints over the canvas and selects different colors.
A writer who doesn’t like the story she’s writing can decide to start a new story. So can you.
I’ll teach you ways to transform your self awareness in ways that’ll help you react to stressful situations differently.
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Our series of 10 short FREE Marriage-Saving video will go a long way in giving you the tools you need to successfully stop divorce, save your marriage and turn it around. Click to learn more!
Do you believe the myth that creating and maintaining a good marriage requires a lot of never-ending effort?
It’s not true!
This belief is not only false but actually may actually prevent you from improving the relationship with your spouse. What do I mean?
Well, start with the fact that improving your marriage boils down to a very simple formula: Stop doing the things that hurt the relationship and start doing more of the things that build rapport with your mate.
Second, recognize that in all likelihood your own habitual behavior in some way has contributed to your marriage problems.
But that’s not your fault!
Why? Because by the time we marry many of our habits have become automatic and unconscious and are therefore invisible to us. And so it’s likely to be difficult for you to see how your behavioral habits dealing with your partner have led to friction and a less-than-great marriage.
Improving your marriage is about replacing unhelpful habits with new ones that lead to a happier, more intimate and fun relationship with your mate.
If that sounds impossible, consider this: When you first embark on upgrading your marriage, it’s like a rocket at Cape Canaveral slowly lifting off its launch pad, gathering speed as it ascends.
And in a similar way, changing long-standing habits can be slow at first and require conscious awareness of how you are acting with your mate. That’s the only way that you can recognize what you need to change!
Fortunately, there’s a SECRET that will make the process MUCH EASIER AND QUICKER!
Many troubled spouses who desperately want to improve their marriage often don’t know where to start.
They may realize that they have to change their behavior with their mate in some way but don’t have any direction.
Is this your situation?
The secret to not to spin your wheels uselessly, but instead to begin your marriage turnaround by identifying at least ONE TIME in the past when you did something for or with your partner that made them smile and look into your eyes with love and appreciation.
Remember the circumstances and what you said that your spouse liked. Remember what you did that set the stage for that moment.
Remember how you looked and the mood and attitude you brought to the occasion that attracted your mate to love you on that day.
To turn your marriage around, your first step is to model that memory in order build a new behavioral habit for yourself that will help build rapport with your mate.
It does not mean that you have to spend any money. And do not necessarily expect any thanks immediately from your spouse, especially if they’re upset with you.
Be aware that significant change in your relationship with your mate may not happen overnight. Remember that it probably took years for your marriage to reach its current state.
But after a couple of weeks you may be ready to adopt the next habit with the goal of making your partner feel good and building rapport with them.
If you’ve ever promised to your mate to change but failed to follow through, they may have reason to doubt whether you’ll succeed this time.
That’s okay. You just need to buy time for the method to work.
And so you continue the process of adding behaviors one-by-one that grow into new habits that will transform your marriage.
Your spouse will be more impressed if you can successfully change one thing than if you attempt changing several things but fail at sustaining them over time.
And try to remember to just focus on what you can do one day at a time. This is the path to success.
But doing this alone will be challenging without the proper guidance!
That’s why we offer our FREE weekly marriage advice newsletter that comes with 10 short FREE marriage advice videos that will get you started on building the kinds of habits that can skyrocket your marriage to a level you only imagined before. Click to learn more.
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Nancy and I think of our relationship as if we had two bank accounts in a “relationship bank.” She has an account with me, and I have an account with her.
Every time one of us does something nice for the other, it’s like making a “goodwill” deposit in that person’s bank account. But if a person does something irritating to the partner, it’s like making a goodwill withdrawal from their account.
We have a goal of maintaining a positive balance with each other on a daily basis. Every single day, we want to make bigger deposits than withdrawals with each other. By making sure our accounts with each other are never “overdrawn,” we keep our marriage healthy.
Using this method, when you’ve built up large positive reserves of goodwill with each other, your relationship is in good shape. That way, when you need to ask for extra understanding or patience from your spouse, you have enough goodwill accumulated in your account to cover the request.
What Nancy and I get from this system is we feel motivated to put frequent deposits into our account with the other person. Deposits can be strokes of affection, a gesture of respect, an acknowledgement for something the other has done, or some kind of compliment to the other person.
Yes, it takes some effort to establish the habit of making goodwill deposits on a daily basis. But building up large goodwill reserves with each other feels so good that it’s addictive. Once you get started it feeds upon itself! And as you repeat making your deposits with your partner, you condition yourself and you condition the relationship itself.
You find your marriage spiraling upward to heights you never imagined. You will find that as you apply this and my other recommendations, you’ll notice that you are bonding more to your partner. Emotional intimacy is enhanced, mutual respect is increased, and sex becomes better. And aren’t those the things that you really want?
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The following eight habits will guide you in looking at what you can do to minimize withdrawing good will and maximize making good will deposits in your spouse’s emotional “bank account.”
1. Work on yourself and your own issues that you brought with you into the marriage.
Many responses that you have to your spouse’s actions are triggered by past events going back to your childhood.
If one of your emotional wounds is to feel disrespected, then when your partner inadvertently does something that triggers those feelings, you’ll experience an intense reaction.
Individual counseling can help you to be more self-aware of what’s behind your intense reactions and what you can do so that you don’t over-react to issues in your marriage.
2. Avoid blaming your partner for problems in the marriage.
Blame only causes the other person to become defensive and angry, and it decreases the probability that the two of you can find a win-win solution to your problems.
When you focus on blaming your spouse for what’s happening in the marriage, you are planting seeds of resentment that can hurt the relationship.
A marriage is composed of two people, and each contributes to the quality of the relationship and shares responsibility for it.
3. Be empathetic and put yourself in your partner’s place when issues come up.
Really try to understand where your partner is coming from when you disagree or when your partner does something that you can’t make sense of.
Ask your spouse to talk about his or her feelings. Listen respectfully and ask your spouse to clarify points that you don’t understand.
Develop a curiosity for learning more about your spouse’s feelings and take special care to create an emotionally safe environment for the discussions with your spouse.
4. Look for ways to make your partner’s life easier and to show your love.
Many of the irritants and stressors in modern day life are the little things—the extra time it takes to pick up the cleaning on the way home from work or to put the clean dishes in the dishwasher away.
When you see some errand or task that you can do to save your partner time, offer to do it.
Look for opportunities to give your spouse a few minutes to relax or have downtime.
Watch for things you can do to pamper your partner when you can. It’s often the little things that can make a big difference in marital happiness and satisfaction.
5. Express appreciation often and say form the habit of saying “thank you.”
As months and years go by, many spouses take each other for granted and neglect to express appreciation or say “thank you” to each other.
Numerous spouses complain that their partners only focus on what they do wrong and never compliment them.
It’s sad to think that the one person who means the most to you might have to wonder whether or not you appreciate them.
Let your spouse know on a frequent basis how much he or she means to you.
Give compliments and praise freely, and express thanks for all that your partner does to enrich your life and marriage.
6. Apologize quickly and sincerely, taking responsibility for your part in whatever happens in the marriage.
The truth is that sometimes it’s hard to say “I’m sorry.” That’s when it’s time to remember the question, “Would you rather be right or would you rather be happy?”
Accept that things don’t always make sense in a relationship and that confusion and misunderstandings can happen easily.
It’s a mark of maturity when you can say, “I’m so sorry for my part in what has happened between us.”
7. Have interests, hobbies and activities in your life that you enjoy so you’re not thrown off center so easily if you have a tiff or quarrel with your spouse.
It’s important to have interests and activities of your own that are satisfying to you that can help to keep you balanced and anchored if other areas of your life are upsetting.
That way, you can more easily regain a sense of perspective and be able to withstand the on-going stress.
For example, if you and your spouse are encountering some rocks along the relationship path, you could go on a long bike ride, go fishing with a friend, visit a museum, or read an interesting book.
Those activities and interests can add pleasure to your life to help balance out the temporary problems in your marriage.
You’re always ahead of the game when you know some ways to lift your spirits.
8. Look for fun activities and bonding experiences to share with your mate.
Be on the lookout for activities that could be fun for you and your spouse to do together.
Search the local newspaper for plays, concerts, new movies, museum exhibits, neighborhood fairs and festivals, and new restaurants that are advertised.
Laughter and having fun is bonding and can help to create those special moments that are so delightful.
Also look for activities that represent causes you and your spouse believe in, such as spending a Saturday helping a local charity with a garage sale or volunteering together at a local soup kitchen.
These experiences can serve to remind you of what you have in common with your spouse and of how good it feels to be working in unison with a shared purpose.
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